How to create a great speed dating conversation

By Michael Myerscough

Do you ever catch yourself getting nervous or self conscious at a speed dating event? Worrying about what you’re going to say or how you’ll keep some of the conversations going.

Do those three minutes sometimes feel like three hours? Trust me, you’re not on your own with that feeling. It can be really challenging, particularly if you fancy the person you’re talking to.

More attractive = more difficult!

One of my more pragmatic clients recently made the observation that whilst he was feeling more confident due to our coaching, he wasn’t really getting better results when it came to meeting Miss. Right. It became clear the more attractive he found a woman, the less likely he’d be able to talk to her. This is a very common attraction pattern, the better they appear, the scarier we make them.

There’s a funny (well, painful really!) dynamic that occurs when you become excited and interested whereby you suffer the paralysis of analysis. Inside your head you’re saying:

‘What should I say? Supposing she thinks I’m an idiot? Man that was a stupid question to ask. Now she knows I’m a complete idiot.’

Maybe that’s not exactly what you say to yourself, but it may be something similar. And the more attractive your potential partner the more you beat yourself up and the louder that voice gets in your head! In order to get rid of it you need to improve your conversational skills. Become an accomplished conversationalist and not only will there be no time to have those thoughts, they’ll no longer be relevant.

What do I say?

For most people the first step to being better at dating conversation is highlighted by the question I’m asked most commonly, “But what do I say?” It’s like the dating equivalent of the million dollar question and in the end there are lots of different answers and it really depends on the situation. After years of reading books on the subject, attending courses, scouring the internet, getting it badly wrong and then sitting cross legged in quiet contemplation for hours I’ve come to the conclusion that the best thing to say is…anything! In the first 30 seconds of an interaction what you say is largely irrelevant, it really doesn’t seem to matter. Remember to speak within reason, of course, since the observation, “that shirt is truly hideous” is rarely a winner.

The best introduction I’ve learned (whether speed dating or not) goes like this:

1.  Compliment,

2.  Ask a question, and then

3. Introduce yourself.

It’s important to keep in mind that both of you are likely to be a little edgy around each other initially so your aim is to ensure that the other person knows they are safe in your company by being at least semi coherent when it comes to conversation.

To find that compliment look for the place they’ve spent a lot of money or effort around their appearance and tell them you like it. People really want to be praised and this is your quickest way to win their affection.

 A conversation with a potential date is like a house, you don’t want to go crashing into the bedroom, just aim to get through the front gate for starters. You can’t win a date with your opening line of conversation so don’t try to.

You then smile, face them, look them in the eye and ask a fairly innocuous question such as: How has your day been? What do you do for fun when you’re not here? Where did you get that?

What you say isn’t that important!

No really. What you say at the beginning isn’t that important because you’re both busy checking each other out on so many different levels that the words rarely make a difference. And a lot of you checking each other out happens at a subconscious level. It’s to do with physical attraction, body language and some argue even at the chemical level!

Also bear in mind that if you are going to click as friends, it will happen fairly quickly. If it feels like hard work you may well be wasting valuable energy and time. Not hitting it off with your speed date is not a slur on your character. If the two of you are having to make a significant effort to create a spark then trust your instincts and realise this is a sign that you’re not destined to be partners.

How do you create great conversations

So now you know that in the first 30 seconds of your meeting the content of your conversation isn’t that important. However there’s only so long you can sit there grinning inanely at your partner and getting away with it! When the polite introductions are done you must know how to create a great conversation. And conversation is a bit of an art. So let me share with you a few simple things that are worth keeping in mind.

1. Keep the conversation mostly about them. People love it when you spot that they are the center of their universe.

2.  Don’t just ask a list of random questions, you are aiming for depth.

3. You are looking for intimacy rather than information with your questions.

4. Keep the conversation light enough to allow them to open up rather than feel interrogated.

5. Get them to talk about things that excite them or they find fun, anything that lights their lights. Something magical occurs when they connect your face with those feelings of excitement; they actually begin to regard you as fun and exciting.

6. Somewhere inside yourself keep in mind that you’re in this conversation to get the option of a date. Make sure that every question you ask leads in the general direction of seduction. Simply put, everything they and you talk about should be in the vein of feeling happy and maybe even excited about life.

7. Aim to leave the person feeling a little bit better about themselves. Get good at giving compliments without sounding creepy.

In summary, if your brains turn to liquid under the stress of meeting your date keep the compliment, question, introduce pattern in mind.  With a little more knowledge and some practice all this becomes second nature and you can stop messing up with the dates that really matter to you.

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